&paintbrush

Psychophysical illness. This is a new vocabulary that I learned in AP Psychology recently. Basically, this is an illness to your body caused by stress. Your body reacts to what the mind says, and when it finds that the mind is stressed, it becomes stressed, too. The tension in your body weakens the immune system, making diseases more likely to enter your body.

All because there was some stressful event.

This happened to me, today. I wasn’t feeling particularly well, mood wise. Many things seemed to happen all at once, like a bomb going off unexpectedly. This stressed me out so much to the point where I couldn’t eat breakfast or lunch. With no food in my stomach, I came back home after school feeling dizzy and nauseated. Then I had a momentary blackout, where I knew and felt my eyes wide open but I could not see anything. It was pitch black, and I had to sit down on the floor to prevent running into things. As if a pitch darkness wasn’t enough, I couldn’t breathe like normal. I felt like the air around me was sucked out into a vacuum, as I sat there helplessly gulping for air. After about 15 minutes or so, I began to see my dog sniffing my hands and I was breathing normally.

Why did this happen? Was it a sign from the mind to the body? Was I so stressed to the point where I couldn’t even see what was in front of me? Or was it just a biological effect after skipping two meals?

This got me to wonder about which explanation was right; the science or the psychology? The textbook explains that the mind and the body are so intertwined to the point where it is nearly indistinguishable. In other words, the body thinks, too. It feels emotions, and it is not just a heap of random cells put together to form a lively functioning miracle.

A while later, I was able to get up from the floor. I understood then that my body is telling me to slow down. Slow down to think. To sort out what’s bothering me. To watch the new leaves grow outside. To relax, because my mind was hurting my body.

photos credited to: Mieke Vos ^..^, katiepolvinen, Kiky01

Technorati Tags: kiswrites, kisaplit07, mind, body, psychology, psychophysical,

In each century of our human history, there is some kind of a war or a battle. World War I & II were major conflicts that everyone knew about. Every race battles because there is a conflict, or they want to prove that they are stronger than anyone else. The Western race, throughout human history, seemed unsatisfied with what they have. They would try to conquer and conquest, doing every bit of damage along the way. There are small battles and conflicts even within the very place we live. Everyday we see someone fighting, either in person or in television. Everywhere there is conflict that needs to be solved, either it be a small fight between friends to battling leukemia. It’s constant, unstoppable, never ending. And there is that on going battle with our own selves, which we have to deal with every day.

As I wake up in the morning, I have a conflict of whether or not I should do the things I normally do, wear the things that I like to wear, and say the things that seems to be right for me. There is always my opinion and theirs, which is when I have to decide who is right and who is wrong. The biggest challenge, the most important battle, that I always have in mind is the amount of food intake, the amount of exercise I need, and what kind of activities I should or shouldn’t do. I know this sounds ridiculous; but hear me out. Every person has different things that worry them. And for me, it has always been about my external appearances. This could be because I am living in a society where people are judged by how they appear. Or maybe, it’s just me being unsatisfied with who I am. But this battle is hard. The things I choose to stick my fork into and put in my mouth is thought over every other second, and I cannot undo this overcoming concern of appearance. Maybe this is because I’ve been judged a lot by how I look–ever since I was in the States, I was prejudged because my skin color was different. And because I was young, all I could conclude was that I was never good enough. No matter how skinny or how fat, it wasn’t good enough. This never ending battle with myself will hopefully end soon. Hopefully I will learn that I am who I am, that accepting myself is the first and the most crucial step to a successful life. But I’m not there yet. Just like the battles around the world are hard to stop, the battle with myself is hard to bring to an end, too.

Photos credited to: bye bye ????, LeggNet

Technorati Tags: kisaplit07, kiswrites, acceptance, battle, with, self, appearance

You Don’t Know Me

oil paint
14″x19″

Don’t get close to me. Don’t get near me.
Stay far away, because nothing good comes from
being dependent on someone.
Don’t act like you know me.
Don’t say things that you know nothing about.

I drew this picture actually, out of a photograph that Jenny, my friend, took last year. It was around March, and I was very new to my school. I had just been through a lot of difficulties just the previous months, and I was still ‘closed up’ in my mind. I didn’t want anyone close to me, because I was insecure of myself, of my body, of my mind. Have you ever had that kind of experience? Where you just don’t want to get close to someone in fear of being too attached to that person. Or, when you don’t have the guts to tell anyone your true feelings. To make the long story short, I was extremely scared. Scared out of my wits. Scared because I didn’t know if I would be accepted by anyone in my life, scared that I wasn’t ‘fit’ enough to be in a group–especially in a new environment like Korea. But most of all, I was scared of myself, because I knew I was the worst enemy of myself. I don’t know if that makes sense. Maybe this has some kind of psychology in it–but anyway, these experiences, my confused feelings, the need to identify my problems–were the reason I got interested in psychology. I wasn’t sure, but I believed that learning about the mind and the brain might give me some kind of clue to the crazy bundle of spit-firing neurons in my head.

But I still cannot find the answer to my insecurity.

Technorati Tags: kisaplit07, kiswrites07, art, painting, identity, psychology, thoughts

Have you ever just felt joy without worrying anything in your life?

Have you ever enjoyed just a moment?

I don’t know. I don’t think I have…unless you call that one time,

when I focus so hard on painting or drawing something, that I lose in touch with the world…

or that other time, when I was busy listening to my favorite songs, and as the beat thumped hard

against my ears, I closed my eyes and felt elevated…

That moment.

I can’t feel it anymore.

Did you ever had that moment?

Technorati Tags: kisaplit07, aplit07, kiswrites, elevate, moment, mysticism

I’m searching for that one passionate subject that I can talk and explore about without worrying about time.

I’m looking for something that, when I close my eyes I see when I sleep I dream about, and when I write, I can make a book about.

The biggest challenge is how I can get to that point, and finding out what I am really interested in. I thought I had that interest–anything to do with design, arts, and graphics–but it’s not something th at I can talk about forever and ever.

To be honest, I am just a teenager who is going through a lot of teenage things, which adults tend to ignore.

‘There are more problems out there in the world that you have to deal with, so get over it’ are their general responses.

But I think that attitudes, habits, one’s personality, and character develops during their youth, meaning what we go through as a teenager is just as important as any problems that adults face. Of course, it won’t be as hard to manage or solve as debt, income, finances, taking care of children, etc., but our problems are something that will determine how we will behave as adults.

My point here is that if I do find something really passionate about– something that I was designed to live for in this world–then wouldn’t my life as an adult be much more easier? There won’t be any late 30’s soul-searching, or, going out in the streets to beg for money, hopefully. I am not sure.

People say that life is a cruel game where nobody tells us the rules or advices. Even if there are advices, we tend not to listen to them. It depends on the decisions you make along the way, and which directions you decide to make. My decisions and directions for the last 18 years has been hectic, I must say. The road twisted and turned, there were some breaks, U-turns, and whatever other road words that might symbolize ‘hard’.

And I’m still driving down that road without directions, searching for my destination that might help me realize there’s something worth living for in this world.

photo credited to: jamie , joaobambu

Technorati Tags: kisaplit07, kiswrites07, road, searching, soul, life

My biggest fear is to wake up and realize the truth–when the denial that I set myself upon disappears, and the veil uncovers to find that I am indeed, just a moment in this vast universe. The existence of who I am will be forgotten in less than a second, and the dear hope that someone cared will be lost and I will find out that I was thrown away long time ago.

But that’s just my biggest fear…nothing else.

Photo credited to: CARLOSWEICK

Technorati Tags: kiswrites07, aplit07, aplit, fear, hope

Mistake #2 - expecting people to visit

The blog world is amazing because of the reader interaction. It’s why I continue to publish on a fairly consistent basis. When I first started out I had no idea how to attract new readers, commenters, interaction etc. I had the impression that if I published new content I’d automatically find readers in my niche.

How wrong I was.

Successful blogging involves time, effort, and reaching out to fellow bloggers / publishers / authors (whatever you prefer). In fact, there’s a whole psychology behind blog publishing and I had no idea how it would change my way of thinking. Now if I see or hear something of interest I wonder how it can be incorporated into a blog article.

Mistake #3 - not writing as if I’m talking

My first blog on WordPress.com includes articles that are more like lectures. I don’t want to read, nor write a one-way lecture, and I know that’s not why you visit. I want to become involved in a discussion with you. I want to teach you something you don’t know and to learn those many things you can teach me. At the beginning I was killing the blog conversation, instead of making use of my comment section.

One of the best things about blogs is that they enable conversation between people with shared interests. It’s vital to be involved with relevant blogs in your niche (and don’t neglect those outwith your niche). I regularly visit a host of other blogs and leave comments that add to the conversation. This takes time, obvioulsy, but keeps the interaction flowing. Matthew’s asking if blog comments matter. People appreciate comments on their own blogs… a lot. I certainly do.

You have to find your personal brand and deliver it through your blog. The way you write, the words you use, your tone of voice, how you respond to comments, the design of your blog, the topics you cover… it all shows who you are.

I’m absolutely loving David Airey right now. He had the above post about different mistakes he made during his blogging experience, and I found out how much more I had to do in order to improve it and attract attention. And my most command mistakes are those two above: expecting people to visit and talking as if I am talking in my diary. I am going to do my best to improve in the course of next few months by taking advices and linking to others more. I hope my blog becomes as big as David Airey’s, and have my name “Cindy Oh” as one of the top designer bloggers in the web world.

Crazy

Gnarls Barkley

I remember when,
I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place.
Even your emotions have an echo
In so much space

And when you’re out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn’t because I didn’t know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Probably
And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that’s my only advice

Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,

Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think you’re in control?

Well, I think you’re crazy
I think you’re crazy
I think you’re crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I wanna be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it’s no coincidence I’ve come
And I can die when I’m done

But Maybe I’m crazy
Maybe you’re crazy
Maybe we’re crazy
Probably

-.-.-.-.-.-..-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.–

I feel like writing about this song today. Craziness.
Because it’s near finals week, everyone seem to be having a little bit of chaos and craziness within themselves. I certainly did. Being gone in New York really made me pay back with all the school days I’ve missed, and the crazy load of work was bending my back. But somehow I was in denial–I laughed off at the amount of things to do, and in turn I actually didn’t do anything. Crazy, I know. I was thinking that if I close my eyes and sing loudly enough all the things I have to do would just pass by…..yeah, right. In reality, that will never happen.

Time and time again, I’m realizing how I cannot afford to avoid responsibility. That will not make me advance in anything, anyway. But everyone knows how hard it is get to a ’success’–I mean, with all the tears and blood that you put in your work, whatever it is. So…my point is…my mind is really all over the place these days…and I am becoming more insane as the clock ticks by. I don’t know how to describe this feeling, or this mood. Is it because I know too much information as the lyrics said? Is it because I am taking in all the other people’s opinions about where I should go in life and not mine? And really, am I in control of who I am?

Again, I have no idea. And I have no idea if this post is fit for this blog. My English teacher tells us to explore in variety of fields, but I can’t, because I am afraid of what others will say–what the people who judge me will say. So all I do is ramble on about some random, pointless crap and never get to say what is truly on my mind. And because this is a public blog, I can’t. But I am going to say one thing. I DON’T think I am control of my mind, or my body. As I was listening to “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley and doing research on my AP Art homework on media’s influences, I realized something big that would actually fit for this blog. Media and consumerism. And that’s my AP Art concentration theme anyway. Why not blog about it? Ha.

Photo credited to: jac.opo, nathi_rhapsody, ednothing

Technorati Tags: kisaplit07, aplit07, crazy, insanity, confusion, gnarls, barkley, reflection

Well, it’s not my birthday yet. It’s tomorrow, on the 26th. But I don’t think I will be able to muster up the energy to write about my birthday ON my birthday, so I’m just going to write my hopes and wishes today.

This past year has been the most hectic year of my short life. Just a year ago today, I wouldn’t have even imagined what I’ve done, where I am, and what I am doing right now. I didn’t know there was a chance left of me to survive, honestly–last year’s birthday was gone in a second, in a lonely church room with less than ten people. At the time I wished for better health, for my weak mind to get better, and for myself to get back on feet. In a way, all my wishes have come true. But last years wishes are this year’s apologies–because I didn’t push myself hard enough to get back on my feet. My mind, as well as my body, is unstable it’s as if it’s going to shatter away any time soon. That’s what I think I think…but even now, I don’t even know what I think. I’m so battered with lectures on what seems to be right and wrong versus what IS right and wrong, that my opinions are getting diminished day by day.

Even my dad just now wanted to lock me up in my room to monitor me just in case I did something wrong. If I think of this in a positive way, all he wants me to do is succeed and be a good girl. But every time he tries to push it a little bit further, and tells me to behave a certain way, I do the complete opposite. I know that’s immature of me, but I cannot hold on to the suffocating feeling for too long. That’s why, when I came back to Korea in 2007 winter, I begin to change drastically. I got brighter–but only on the outside. My body got healthier on the outside. My mind got stronger on the outside, and everything else seems so fake. The way I talk, the way I dress, the appearance of myself–am I really existing? I don’t feel like I am attached to my body. Of course, that’s just my inside talking. When I leave my ‘thinking mode’ I will be back to the ‘real’ world, where I get to put on a fake smile and obey to every rule that comes across. I will go to school looking perfectly normal, answering to questions in a normal way as if I have no worries except school work….because there is no one to listen.

But I digress.
That was last year, something far away from me, which I will put behind my heart and close the door. No matter how many skeletons build up in my closet, I will have to move on smiling because that’s the RIGHT thing to do. That’s how Koreans do it. That’s how I do it. That’s how, I was taught to live.

My birthday wish this year, is to be able to say “I’m fine” without frowning inside.

That’s all.

photo credited to: tamelyn, *MarS , Kristen Lanae

Technorati Tags: kisaplit07, aplit07, birthday, wishes, fake

My brain right now feels like it has been dissected by a five year old and pieced together with a glue gun. And the glue gun isn’t dry yet.

I’ve been thinking a lot of things these days, starting with puny subjects like cellulites on my thighs to SATs to colleges to everything else that seems to mess me up right now. And I’ve decided that if I focus on one thing so passionately, like as if it’s a drug that I cannot survive without, I think my life would be much more focused and meaningful than this mumbo jumbo that I’m living in right now.

So the first thing I decided was to chose a subject that I really like to talk about, that people really enjoy to listen to, and things that I would like to know more about. And that, my friends, is psychology. The study of the brain, the study of the human mind and how it functions. Because right now, I really want to know what exactly is going on inside my brain. But that’s hard, because I think the human mind is subjective. There is no right or wrong answer, and I think that is the beauty of psychology. Although I am going to major in the arts and become a designer, I still think psychology and the mind is a very huge part of me that I will never let go of. I will continuously talk about how and why I behaved certain way in what kind of a situation on what specific day. To go in more specifically, I want to study the psychology of teenagers, of people my age. Maybe this opinion might change when I grow up, but right now, I want to help the unfortunate kids that think like me. That’s right. I’m contradicting myself. I think, when one hates oneself so much, one tends to learn from oneself. In a less philosophical and pathetic way, what I mean is that, I want to help others, and by helping others, I hope that I can start to find my cure, too.

I don’t know exactly what my problem is. Maybe the problem is that I don’t have a freaking problem. Because this is a world wide web and I don’t want my privacy to get torn apart, I am going to keep few things to myself. However, I think talking about psychology, and my mind and emotions–I think that is the best fit for this blog.

Welcome to Cindy’s blog.