Denial.

This might be a topic that a teacher in a typical school will not teach students. Or in fact, schools never teach you how to deal with problems that actually matter. I am a senior now, 17 going on 18 in November, and I am realizing again and again how pointless and stupid each of my classes are. But as I was sitting today at a cafe in Apgu, eating my fattening mocha frappaccino with a muffin, I was thinking of all the things that I’ve avoided and denied recently in my life. I actually used a napkin (that was supposedly recycled, it said) to write down a list:

  1. college applications
  2. college essays
  3. school grades
  4. my appearance
  5. my morals
  6. feelings and emotions

And I realized how smart I was in avoiding the first three of the list, and how stupid I was of denying the last three. Let me explain. My college apps, essays, SATs, grades, etc. are important. Of course they are. They are especially important in a society where grades matter more than your life. I am in Korea. Big surprise. But I wasn’t motivated enough to do these things. What was the point of going to a good college when I am not satisfied with my very presence in this world? This seems a bit extreme, but if you know the rest of the story, there might be a chance you might understand (Sorry, I don’t know who I am writing this to). So screw the college stuff. At that moment in the second floor of the cafe, I was feeling lousy. Actually, more like a disgusting hideous parasite from Pluto (and Pluto’s not a planet!!). In fact, I used another napkin to list all the bad things about my body that I didn’t like, and there were more than twenty of them. Being even more depressed, I took a huge bite of my cream cheese muffin (ew), and sighed. How ironic it is, that I deny how lucky I am. If I wasn’t born, maybe the calories I’ve eaten could have saved about thousand lives in Somalia. I deny that I am actually an average teenager who goes through the same thing everyone goes through. I deny the fact that the pretty girls in this world is only 1% of the world population, and I deny the fact that, some people do like me for who I am. But still, EW my big thighs. Sigh. The battle with appearance will never end.

Next are my morals. And THAT I am still going to deny.

My feelings and emotions are exactly this right now: empty. dry. fat. (although fat is not an emotion)

But because I am too lazy to deal with it all, all I do is eat and complain how horrible my life is. It seems like everyone in my school is either saying “I want to die” or, “I’m so depressed” or, of course, “I’m so fat.”

Many people say that these are just empty words, but I think differently. There are words, so common that they are never explored deeply enough. There are reasons why people say that they want to commit suicide. These are words that are wrapped behind the “common veil”, and I think it should be explored further. There must be a reason…it’s just that we are denying whatever we are suffering from, and whatever made us feel so that we cannot express ourselves correctly.

Technorati Tags: , , , , , , , ,