&paintbrush » 2007 » October

October 2007


&her_lifecindyoh on 25 Oct 2007 09:44 pm

by All American Rejects

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can’t explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don’t want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My minds unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can’t explain what you can’t explain.
You’re finding things that you didn’t know
I look at you with such disdain.

The walls start breathing
My minds unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

[Chorus]
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won’t make this right

It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I’m on my own side
It’s better than being on your side
It’s my fault when you’re blind
It’s better that I see it through your eyes.

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you’re the first to know..

——————–

You were the first to know that I had these thoughts. You were the first to know how much pain I have been through. You are the first one that I have opened up to, but just like everyone else, you have crushed it. You are the last one to know the little hope that I had, the faint light of faith that I secretly held deep in my heart. But it ends tonight. For no one, for no group, am I going to be weak any longer. For no one, I promise am I going to open up my heart. It ends tonight.

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photo credited to: adrianadesigner

&art.designcindyoh on 23 Oct 2007 09:24 am

 

No Longer Mourn for Me

No longer mourn for me when I am dead
Then you shall hear the surly sullen bell
Give warning to the world that I am fled
From this vile world, with vilest worms to dwell:
Nay, if you read this line, remember not
The hand that writ it; for I love you so
That I in your sweet thoughts would be forgot
If thinking on me then should make you woe.
O, if, I say, you look upon this verse
When I perhaps compounded am with clay,
Do not so much as my poor name rehearse.
But let your love even with my life decay,
Lest the wise world should look into your moan
And mock you with me after I am gone.

 

By: William Shakespeare

Beautiful. That was my first word I whispered after I read this poem. This poem had held my interest because it was about mourning and dying–I truly felt that way at the time I was searching for this poem. But as I kept on reading it, the perfect iambic pentameter with the perfect rhymes made my heart ache even more so before I went back to dissect the meaning out of it.

Listen to it and you will hear the bells ringing telling the world that I am gone; don’t think about me because I don’t want you to be sad. Love me after I am gone, and follow me into Heaven after I am gone.

At least, that’s my interpretation of the poem. Now going into the language, the iambic pentameter breaks in two lines:

From this vile world, with vilest worms to dwell:

and

But let your love even with my life decay

and I sit here squeezing my brain out to pinpoint why Shakespeare only let those two lines be 11 syllables instead of the usual 10.
Looking at the first line, it is significant, indeed–the narrator is talking about this world as evil, and he is glad that he is leaving the earth. Maybe Shakespeare wanted to emphasize the vileness of this world, in order to emphasize the point of “No longer mourn for me”. The next line is also interesting. At first I thought it meant to literally even the lover’s love out like a cement, but really, the syntax of the words were mixed. This meant, “Love me even after I am forever gone”… so don’t mourn for me. I guess these two lines are the main point of the poem. It answers the questions that the title makes us ask when we read it, and the rhythmic hint suggests the importance of it.

Of course, I might be reading into it too much. But I believe that Shakespeare, the ‘genius man’ that he was, would’ve at least thought about what gets across the reader’s mind. Therefore it makes sense that he was doing this intentionally. Like King Lear and Macbeth, Shakespeare has once again shown us the very emotions that we feel when we love, and he has put it into words for our hearts to feel.

&art.designcindyoh on 21 Oct 2007 01:51 am

When

 

When fear was in charge
Of my life-river,
The Ocean of Infinity
Was a far cry.

When doubt was in charge
Of my life-day,
The Sun of Eternity
Was a far cry.

 

When insecurity was in charge
Of my life-breath,
The Sky of Immortality
Was a far cry.

 

Excerpt from “The Wings of Light Part 1” by Sri Chinmoy

 

Copyright © Sri Chinmoy 1975

 

Of my three thematic pathways, this would go under the category of “Faith and Doubt”. This is a fairly straightforward poem about what happens when fear, doubt, and insecurity get in life’s way. I chose this poem because I loved the connection between the Ocean, the Sun, and the Sky’s image in their infinite characterization. In the human eye, the ocean, the sun, and the sky are the three biggest phenomenons we could ever witness–and thus it creates an illusion of eternity. However, this poem is telling us that fear, doubt, and insecurity will destroy all that, and will leave us with nothing. I also liked the desperate, moody tone of this poem, as it repeated the word “when” a lot and “Was a far cry” at the end of every stanza. It really brought out the emptiness that fear, doubt, and insecurity creates when it takes over us.

 

Now, take a step back for a moment and hear these words: “The Ocean of Infinity…The Sun of Eternity…The Sky of Immortality…”. I thought that these three description was very powerful as it rang again and again in my brain. Whenever I go to the ocean or near an ocean, I cannot fathom how deep and vast the body of water is. And it brings me a kind of fear when you get when speculating about the unknown. Just like the enormous, mysterious ocean, I think fear comes from the mysterious, unfamiliar aspect of what we don’t know. When seeing a scary movie in a movie theater, we get scared because we see images that are unexpected (of course, gruesomeness plays a huge role, too). Fear definitely has its connection with the ocean.

 

And finally to the topic of doubt. Doubt is a huge factor in my life that might have changed who I am if I had a little less OF it. What I mean is, when doubt comes into my conscious and plays with my mind, on whatever I was doing or working on, I cannot find the confidence back to finish it. When one begins to doubt oneself, one can seriously fall into a spiraling hole of negativity, and cannot do anything one has dreamed of. Okay, I’ll give an example, because I think I’m being too vague here. Right now I am in a volleyball team in my high school. Of course volleyball needs a lot of physical endurance just like any other sports. We have to practice every day in hopes of improving our performances on game days. But it is also a mental sports game, too. Because volleyball is so interconnected with every member on the court, one mistake by one person can end up making the whole team down, thus losing the game. As the ball passes back and forth above the net, so does our mood swings. But what finalizes our mood is how much doubt we have in ourselves. Or how much confidence we have in ourselves. Either way, if we have too much doubt in our ability to play as a team, no matter how good we are, we lose as a team. And as we gain more confidence and less doubt, it seems like we consummate as a whole and beat the opponent as a whole. Maybe this is why volleyball is a game that really needs the time and effort to be liked.

 

Oh, I’m deviating from the topic too much. But this poem had triggered a lot of thoughts at once, and I think that’s what the poet wanted our minds to do when we read his poem.

 

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&art.designcindyoh on 21 Oct 2007 01:11 am

1. Faith and Doubt
2. Reality and Unreality
3. Salvation and Damnation

These are the three themes that I chose for my AP literature class. We are to discuss it, go in depth about it, explore it, and basically find the true meaning of it for ourselves through literature. Honestly there were a lot more that I wanted to chose from, but these were the top three that stirred something deep inside of me. I don’t know what that “thing” is, but I guess it’s like a subconscious yearning to know more about. What I mean is, faith and doubt has been troubling my mind for quite a while. I am a Christian, I was a Christian ever since I was born. But as I was growing up and becoming who I was, many rejected the principles of God that I always thought were true. And the things that people said contradicted to what my Sunday School teacher told me, and it troubled my mind that I was having doubts about the belief that I held on for so long. Of course, my pastor and teacher said it was a way of Satan to deviate my belief away from God and Christianity. And I believe it so. But as I grow up and become more independent, I cannot help but feel this emptiness that grow inside me where a definite faith once had been. That’s why I want to know, to discover for myself, how to deal with this doubtfulness and how to reinvent myself so I can define where my actually faith lie.

&art.designcindyoh on 17 Oct 2007 05:37 pm

 

Title: Radiohead - Creep lyrics

 

Artist: Radiohead

 

Print: Radiohead - Creep Lyrics print version

 

When you were here before
Couldn’t look you in the eye
You’re just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You’re so fucking special

 

But I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here

 

I don’t care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I’m not around
You’re so fucking special
I wish I was special

 

But I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell I’m doing here?
I don’t belong here

 

She’s running out again
She’s running out
She runs runs runs

 

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You’re so fucking special
I wish I was special

 

But I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here
I don’t belong here

 

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&her_life and &she_sayscindyoh on 09 Oct 2007 11:01 am

My brain right now feels like it has been dissected by a five year old and pieced together with a glue gun. And the glue gun isn’t dry yet.

I’ve been thinking a lot of things these days, starting with puny subjects like cellulites on my thighs to SATs to colleges to everything else that seems to mess me up right now. And I’ve decided that if I focus on one thing so passionately, like as if it’s a drug that I cannot survive without, I think my life would be much more focused and meaningful than this mumbo jumbo that I’m living in right now.

So the first thing I decided was to chose a subject that I really like to talk about, that people really enjoy to listen to, and things that I would like to know more about. And that, my friends, is psychology. The study of the brain, the study of the human mind and how it functions. Because right now, I really want to know what exactly is going on inside my brain. But that’s hard, because I think the human mind is subjective. There is no right or wrong answer, and I think that is the beauty of psychology. Although I am going to major in the arts and become a designer, I still think psychology and the mind is a very huge part of me that I will never let go of. I will continuously talk about how and why I behaved certain way in what kind of a situation on what specific day. To go in more specifically, I want to study the psychology of teenagers, of people my age. Maybe this opinion might change when I grow up, but right now, I want to help the unfortunate kids that think like me. That’s right. I’m contradicting myself. I think, when one hates oneself so much, one tends to learn from oneself. In a less philosophical and pathetic way, what I mean is that, I want to help others, and by helping others, I hope that I can start to find my cure, too.

I don’t know exactly what my problem is. Maybe the problem is that I don’t have a freaking problem. Because this is a world wide web and I don’t want my privacy to get torn apart, I am going to keep few things to myself. However, I think talking about psychology, and my mind and emotions–I think that is the best fit for this blog.

Welcome to Cindy’s blog.